I feel envious of my friends. Does that make me a bad person?

I often find myself feeling secretly envious of my friends. Am I a bad person for this?

Maybe it’s because they have higher salaries, seemingly better lives with more holidays, have achieved greater career success, or are in a stable relationship, with children(or, maybe, without children at all). The truth is, there are endless comparisons to be made, whether it's the way their relationships seem effortless, their health, or the milestones they’ve reached. As the saying goes, "Comparison is the thief of joy". And it’s true. I’ve been guilty of this myself, sometimes reacting with judgment or, even worse, lacking enthusiasm and joy for my friends’ accomplishments. Although invisible to others, seeing other people's achievements made me question my own self-worth—seeing their achievements made me question my own self-worth. If they can do it, why haven’t I? Am I not good enough to… (whatever I was envious about)?

The truth is, envy is a perfectly normal emotion. Does this make you a bad person? No, it doesn’t. And it also doesn’t mean you love your friends any less. But it does reveal something about your inner thoughts and feelings. These can be feelings of inadequacy, low self-worth, and perhaps a skewed perception of the world. If left unchecked, envy can harm even the most beautiful friendships.

So how do we handle our envy while also making room for someone else's happiness?

When you catch yourself feeling envious, take a moment to reflect. Are there areas in your life where you tend to feel inadequate compared to your friends? Have you ever experienced this type of envy from a friend's perspective? How did that feel and what advice would you give them? By bringing awareness to our envy and reassessing our thoughts and beliefs, we can learn to make space for our friends' happiness while also embracing our own worth and successes. After all, true friendships should be built on support and celebration rather than comparison and competition.

A real-life example

For example, take the thought of Sarah. Sarah just saw that her friend, let’s call her Megan, posted on LinkedIn that she was promoted. At first, the news filled Sarah with a toxic mix of envy and resentment. Sarah was also hoping for a promotion but hadn’t received one. But as she explored those emotions, she began to see things more clearly. She realized her envy stemmed from her own insecurities and fears of being left behind. By acknowledging those feelings, Sarah was able to look at the situation more objectively. She knew that Megan had worked incredibly hard for this opportunity. She deserved to be celebrated, not resented.

At the end, Sarah picked up her phone to send Megan a heartfelt congratulations text. As she typed out the message, Sarah felt a genuine spark of happiness for her friend. She knew that choosing to express her support would strengthen their relationship and allow her to let go of the envy.

Sarah could have also chosen to do nothing at all, perhaps ignoring Megan’s post altogether, leaving her feelings of envy unaddressed and creating distance between them. Alternatively, Sarah could have made a dismissive comment, such as, “Well, good for her, but I’m sure there were other people more deserving” or “That’s nice, but I don’t think it’s as big of a deal as she’s making it.” Such remarks would only have undermined their friendship, fostering resentment instead of celebration.

By choosing to send a heartfelt congratulations, Sarah not only affirmed Megan's success but also took a step toward freeing herself from envy and embracing the power of positive connection.

The Loss of Connection

We often don’t realize the opportunities for connection that we are losing by letting envy consume us. When we are envious of our friends, we may hold back from genuinely supporting and celebrating their successes. This can create a barrier in our friendships and prevent us from fully connecting with our friends. Our envious thoughts and feelings may also lead to negative behaviors such as gossiping or making snide remarks about our friends' achievements. These actions can damage trust and intimacy in the friendship, ultimately leading to a breakdown in the relationship.

Moreover, when we constantly compare ourselves to others and feel inadequate, it can also affect our self-esteem and confidence. This can cause us to withdraw from social situations or shy away from opportunities for growth and connection.

What to Do with My Envy?

Holding onto envy not only affects our relationships with others but also hinders our personal growth and fulfillment. It's important to recognize these patterns and work towards overcoming them in order to foster stronger connections with our friends. What opportunities for connection are you losing because of how you feel? How can you turn envy into inspiration?

• Shift your perspective: Instead of viewing your friend's success as a threat or something that takes away from your own accomplishments, try to see it as an opportunity to learn and grow. Your friend's success can inspire you to set new goals and work towards achieving them.

• Celebrate your friend's success: Instead of feeling resentful or envious, genuinely congratulate and celebrate your friend's achievements. This will not only strengthen your friendship but also create a positive and supportive environment.

• Use it as motivation: Instead of letting envy drag you down, use it as motivation to work harder towards your own goals. Let your friend's success inspire you to push yourself further and achieve even greater things.

• Reflect on yourself: When we feel envious of others, it often has more to do with our own insecurities rather than the other person's achievements. Take a moment to reflect on why you feel envious and address those underlying issues within yourself.

• Talk to your friend: If envy is causing tension in your friendship, have an open and honest conversation with your friend about how you are feeling. Communication is key in any relationship, and talking through these emotions can help strengthen the bond between you both.

• Practice gratitude: Instead of focusing on what others have that we don't, shift your focus to what you do have. Practice gratitude and appreciate your own blessings and accomplishments.

Feeling envious of our friends is a natural emotion, and it’s important to give it space to exist. However, it doesn’t have to take control of our lives. By reflecting on the root causes of our envy, practicing gratitude, and celebrating our friends' successes, we can transform envy into a source of inspiration and motivation. True friendships thrive when we let go of comparisons and embrace each other's achievements. We all have our own unique paths, and by supporting one another, we foster stronger, more fulfilling connections. At the end, it’s not about being better than each other, it’s about growing together.